Posts

RIB-TICKLER

Image
I am a Fabergé egg, cradled gingerly between the crisp white linen gloves of an auction-house porter. As he trips on a protruding ridge of carpet, the assembled audience gasps. The extravagantly-decorated artefact bobbles upwards, out of his grip for a moment. But like a pro-cricketer, rugby union player or basketball star, the porter regains his composure and secures the egg, juggling the prize back into his grasp, before it lands on the floor. An audible sigh of relief emanates from the crowd.   At least that’s how I feel, as fragile as one of the rare, jewelled, ornamental eggs created in the nineteenth century for Tsar Alexander III. There are at least eight reasons for this whimsical state of mind. They are itemised in the letter sent from St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington’s major trauma unit to my GP. This missive refers to the CT scan taken of me at C helsea and Westminster Hospital which showed, “eight right-sided rib fractures and a small volume of surgical emphysema”. Eight br
Post a Comment
Read more

ON BEING A HUMAN BILLBOARD

Image
Help us beat blood cancer here High-end cycle clothing firm, Assos, has an intriguing tagline in its advertising, “Sponsor yourself”. The reference of course, is to the tradition of commercial companies backing professional cycling teams. Firms of every hue from hearing aid manufacturers, to lotteries, cement-makers and even a controversial UK fracking company (who took up a contract with what was team Sky) at one time or another have given their names to pro teams. One quid pro quo of the deals made between cyclists and these organisations is that the team kit will be emblazoned with company logos, turning each rider into a human billboard on wheels. What the firms get in return for – bankrolling much, if not all, of the team’s operation – is exposure. It’s no coincidence that on crossing the finish line of a grand tour stage, the victorious rider invariably sits up in the saddle and makes sure his or her jersey is zipped right up to the neck. This e
Post a Comment
Read more

FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT CYCLING!

Image
FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT CYCLING! As a self-confessed cycling nut, I’m invariably positive about all things on two wheels. However, that doesn’t mean I offer my unconditional allegiance to the pursuit of life in the saddle. Sometimes, it can be indescribably grim on the bike. At such moments, when my facial expression resembles the strained visage of an early-twentieth century, ‘convict of the road’ (smeared in grime, emaciated and with a permanent, needy look of startled agony) I have to remind myself that I’d still rather be pedalling through life than fighting for breath wedged upright inside a packed train carriage, or waiting in a blizzard, for a bus, which never arrives. So, in the time-honoured fashion of lazy journalism everywhere (and especially online cycle-writing) which says you can easily turn a random list into a piece of copy, here’s my top five bugbears about two-wheeled living. HEADWINDS Give me a rainy day every time. There’s not
Post a Comment
Read more

MAD FOR THE BALD MOUNTAIN

Image
--> “Sommet du Mont Ventoux 1912m” I'm one of those cyclists fortunate enough to have a photo of myself with a large metal pole 'growing' directly out of the top of my head. I say this is lucky because the signpost in question is the summit marker for Mont Ventoux in Provence. It means I have had the privilege of climbing this - I hesitate to use the phrase - 'iconic' mountain, but I will. The arguably over-used adjective actually fits the bill in this case. The Giant of Provence is one of those legendary Tour de France locations worthy of mention in the same trembling breath as, 'Alpe d'Huez, the Tourmalet, the Galibier, the Aubisque and the Izoard' - to name just some of the most celebrated and feared. It's a brute to climb, "a God of evil" according to cycling fan and French philosopher, Roland Barthes. And it’s making its sixteenth appearance in the 2016 Grand Boucle. Armstrong and Pantani famously
3 comments
Read more